LATELY THINGS WITH MY HEALTH HAVE BEEN WEIRD. I HAD A NASTY EYE INFECTION IRRITATION, HEMATOMA, AND ANOTHER INFECTION, THEN I THINK I'M GETTING THOSE KIDNEY CRYSTALS AGAIN. I AM SERIOUSLY FALLING APART. I'M REALLY STARTING TO GET WORRIED. I NEED TO DO BETTER FOR MYSELF BECAUSE I LOVE MY LIFE, AND I DO CARE.

I'VE BEEN ON THE HUBBY'S ASS TO LOSE WEIGHT. HE REALLY NEEDS TO LOSE 200 POUNDS! YEAH IN A PERFECT WORLD. EVEN IF HE WEIGHED A HEALTHY 220LBS WOULD BE BETTER THAN 360+. WHO KNOWS. AT THIS POINT, I DON'T THINK HE CAN DO IT BY HIMSELF. HE DOESN'T HAVE THE MIND SET LET ALONE THE POWER TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER FOR THE LONG HAUL. I THINK HE NEEDS BARIATRIC CARE. HE SHOULD GO FOR THE GASTRIC LAP BAND. I KNOW HE'S SCARED OF ANY SURGERIES, BUT THEN HE'S GONNA HAVE A SURGERY FOR SOMETHING PREVENTABLE LIKE A HEART ATTACK, OR SOMETHING ELSE. GRRRR. HE EATS SHITTY. IT REALLY HAS MADE ME VERY ANGRY LATELY. I KNOW IT MAKES ME SOUND BITCHY AND MEAN, BUT I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE LOOKS. I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE BREATHES. I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE SLEEPS. I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE WALKS. I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE EATS. I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE TRIES TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.

WE CAN BARELY EVEN DO THAT ANYMORE. ONE POSITION GETS BORING. I KNOW.... T.M.I. HAHA. IT MAKES ME ALMOST WANNA BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. BUT THEN I THINK ABOUT MY BODY AND HOW IT COULD USE IMPROVEMENT. I HAVE HONESTLY THOUGHT ABOUT PURSUING AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE IN THE BEDROOM! WHO WOULDA THOUGHT I'D BE THAT PERSON? THIS WHOLE YEAR, I'VE KEPT TO MY WORD ABOUT I WOULDN'T ASK FOR SEX, BUT HE HAD BETTER START STEPPING UP TO THE PLATE. THE YEAR BEFORE, WE ONLY DID IT LIKE 11 TIMES. THIS YEAR I THINK WE'RE UP TO LIKE 13. I ALSO THINK ABOUT SOMETIMES HOW NICE IT WOULD BE ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S TOUCH, SMELL, TASTE, TECHNIQUE ETC. TO KINDA START OVER. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUN TO GO ON DATES WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE IT WAS THRILLING. BUT NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR ACT UPON. A PART OF ME WANTS TO KNOW IF SOMEONE ELSE FINDS ME DESIRABLE IN A WAY. SOMEONE WANTING ME. BUT IF I DID, I CERTAINLY COULDN'T BE ON AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL. I WANT TO BE WITH MY HUBBY, BECAUSE I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM. I WANT TO BE WITH HIM. I DON'T WANT TO BE CONSIDERED TO BE THE ONE WHO WAS DEVIOUS IN THE MARRIAGE.

I WANT HUBBY TO GET HIS ACT TOGETHER AND TAKE CARE OF HIS HEALTH. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT. MYSELF INCLUDED. I'VE BEEN VERY VERBAL ABOUT IT AND KINDA DISTANT. WE DON'T HOLD HANDS, KISS, OR ANYTHING. I KNOW I'M WITHDRAWN, BUT I DON'T WANT TO SHOWER HIM WITH SO MUCH AFFECTION. I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK I'M REWARDING WHAT HE'S DOING WRONG. I DON'T KNOW. I'M KINDA CONFUSED NOW. NEVER THOUHGT I'D BE THIS WAY IN MY MARRIAGE. I'VE EVEN TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND, AND MY GRAMMA.

ANYWAYS, MY SISTER GOT MARRIED LATELY WHICH IS SOO COOL. I'M SO HAPPY FOR HER. I ADORE HER HUBBY, FOR HE IS SO GOOD TO HER. I'M PROUD OF HER. I WISH THEM THE VERY BEST. I FELT HONORED TO BE BY HER SIDE AT HER WEDDING. I'M SO THANKFUL FOR HER FRIENDSHIP. MY BEST FRIEND IN SPOKANE, I HAVEN'T SEEN IN MONTHS. I'M SO SAD. I MISS HER SO MUCH. I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH HER BADLY. JUST TO CATCH UP. I MAY GO UP THERE THIS AFTERNOON. I ALSO WANT TO DO SOME SHOPPING.

OTHER THAN THAT, THINGS ARE HUM-DRUM. I'LL TRY TO WRITE MORE LATER OF COURSE.

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