YUP. I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I AM FALLING APART. GRRR. I'VE HAD THE LOWER BACK PAIN THAT RESEMBLES THE EXACT SAME PAIN AS LAST YEAR WITH THE KIDNEY CRYSTALS FORMING (BEFORE THEY TURN INTO A KIDNEY STONE.)

SO I'VE LOST A LOT OF SLEEP THE PAST 2-3 WEEKS. I GO TO BED FINE, BUT THEN BY THE TIME IT'S LIKE 3-4AM, I USUALLY ROLL OVER OR WHATEVER, AND I AM IN INSTANT PAIN AND FEELS WAY STIFF AND UNCOMFORTABLE AND IT DOESN'T GO AWAY FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR OR TWO. SO I'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV TO PAST THE TIME. IT DOESN'T HURT DURING THE DAY. SO SINCE I'VE BEEN SLEEP DEPRIVED, I'VE BEEN LATE TO WORK BY A FEW MINUTES. SO I CALLED AND MADE AN APPT WITH THE DR.

MY APPT WAS THIS MORNING. I WAS LATE GETTING TO MY APPT CUZ I FELL BACK ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. SO I GET THERE AND PEE IN THE INFAMOUS CUP. SO SHE ASKS ME QUESTIONS LIKE NORMAL, AND THEN ASKED WHEN THE FIRST DAY OF MY LAST PERIOD, AND I TELL HER SEPT.25TH AND SHE'S ALL LIKE "IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN BE PREGNANT?" LIKE IT WAS A QUICK FIX. I TOLD HER I WAS A PCOS PATIENT. THEN A RANGE OF MOTION TEST. SHE BEGINS TO FIRE OFF LIKE NEVER ENDING ASPECTS OF ANYTHING PERTAINING TO PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS. SO THEN IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD I'M THINKING WOW, COULD I BE?

SHE TELLS ME THAT SHE WILL GO TEST THE CUP AND IF IT'S ALRIGHT WITH ME IF I WILL ALLOW HER TO TEST FOR PREGNANCY. I SAY SURE. SO 5 MINUTES GO BY AND THE WHOLE TIME I'M SITTING THERE THINKING AND WONDERING IF SHE'D COME BACK IN TO TELL ME I'M PREGO. I WAS SO NERVOUS BUT ANXIOUS. IT'D BE GOOD NEWS IF THAT WERE THE CASE. TRUST ME. SHE COMES BACK IN TO TELL ME THAT SHE DOESN'T SEE ANY CRYSTALS, AND THAT I'M NOT PREGO. I FELT DEFEATED. EMPTY. BITTER. DEFECTIVE.

SO THEN SHE PROCEEDS TO TELL ME THAT SHE CAN'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME, AND MAYBE IT COULD BE MY MATTRESS. IT VERY WELL COULD BE. BETWEEN MY HUGE HUSBAND AND MY BIG BUTT ON A QUEEN SIZE BED, MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR A NEW ONE.....AGAIN. NOT EVEN 3 YRS OLD. SHE SENT ME ON MY WAY WITH SOME STRETCHING EXERCISES. ON MY WAY BACK HOME, I REALLY WANTED TO CRY. I DID SHED A TEAR. I'D REALLY LIKE TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD. I'M MISSING THAT PART OF MY MATERNAL INSTINCTS. I CAN'T ACT UPON THEM. I CAME HOME STARTED WATCHING TV, AND FELL ASLEEP. THEN I WOKE UP A FEW TIMES LIKE EVERY FIVE MINUTES, THEN BACK TO SLEEP AND IT ONLY FELT LIKE ANOTHER 5 MINUTES, AND I REALIZED IT WAS 12:10PM AND I WAS SCHEDULED TO WORK AT 12:30! SHIT! I CALLED IN AND TOLD THEM I'D BE IN SHORTLY.

WELL, MY DAUGHTER TURNED 10 ON SUNDAY THE 25TH. SHE HAD A ROLLERSKATING PARTY. I PUT ON SOME SKATES AND WENT OUT. I LOVE SKATING. I AM NOT AS GOOD AS I USED TO BE, BUT I'LL STILL ATTEMPT. I GAVE HER A TINKERBELL PURSE WITH MATCHING WALLET. INSIDE THE WALLET WAS A $10 BILL, 10 DIMES, 10 PENNIES, 2 NICKELS, AND A $25 GIFT CARD TO SEARS. IN THE PURSE WERE 4 JEWELED BARETTES, ALSO A SHREK 3 DVD, PINK POLO SHIRT, AND PONY LIGHTS FOR DECOR.

SHE HAD A GOOD TIME. THE WHOLE DAY I WAS LIKE LOOKING AT THE CLOCK THINKING: AT THIS TIME 10 YRS AGO, I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL BEING HOOKED UP TO MACHINES, AND OH AT THIS TIME I WAS TOLD I WASN'T DILATING, AND WOULD NEED SURGERY, AND THEN PUKING, EATING ICE CHIPS, PUKE SOME MORE, HAVE AN EPIDURAL, AND SPINAL BLOCK, THEN WENT INTO THE O.R. AND AFTER 7 PM SHE WAS BORN. THEN MINUTES LATER ASKING NURSE IF SHE WAS OK BECAUSE SHE WASN'T CRYING, AND I WAS TOLD SHE WAS FINE AND BREATHING. THE WAY I FELT WHEN I FIRST SAW HER. ALL THOSE MEMORIES. IT WAS THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING 1997. MY, HOW TIME FLIES. SHE IS AN AMAZING GIRL.

OTHER THAN THAT, THINGS HAVE BEEN BUSY. THINGS BETWEEN HUBBY AND I ARE STILL. NOTHING DRAMATIC. I'VE BEEN VERY ANGRY WITH HIM ABOUT HIS DIET. I FOUND ANOTHER COUPLE BAGS OF CANDY IN MY DAUGHTER'S DRESSER, I SAW SOME IN HIS CAR, IN THE GARAGE. I MEAN HOLY SHIT BATMAN! IF YOU WANT SOME, HAVE ONE OR TWO PIECES. I'VE BEEN THROWING THEM AWAY. I KNOW HE MUST HAVE ANOTHER STASH AT WORK. PART OF ME WANTS TO JUST GIVE UP AND SAY FUCK IT, BUT I DO CARE. I LOVE THIS MAN, AND I AM IN LOVE. I WANT TO BE WITH HIM AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. I THINK HE NEEDS MEDICAL HELP.

WELL, WE HAVE ANOTHER CO-WORKER, AND I SHALL NAME HIM "FUNNY COWORKER." HE CRACKS ME UP. HE CAME FROM A DIFFERENT STORE. WE'VE HUNG OUT BEFORE GOING TO A BAR ETC. HE'S 43 BUT ACTS LIKE MY AGE. WE GET ALONG WELL. WE WERE BOTH IN TEARS THE OTHER NIGHT CLOSING THE STORE. COULDN'T TELL YOU WHAT WE WERE LAUGHING OUR ASSES OFF ABOUT! HAHA. SO GOOD TIMES ALL AROUND. I'VE GOT SO MUCH TO DO LATELY. I WANTED TO GET THE LEAVES RAKED, AND HUBBY WOULDN'T HELP AND HE TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT, UH NOW IT SNOWED AND IT'S BEEN WET OUT. HE'S BEEN LAZY LATELY. I JUST WANT TO HIRE IT DONE AT THIS POINT. I'VE BEEN IN PAIN, AND TOO TIRED TO DO IT MYSELF. I HAVE SENSKE COMING TO DO AN ESTIMATE TOMORROW.

HERE IS MY ABSOLUTE "TO DO WISHLIST"

1. FALL CLEANUP

4. FINISH PHOTO ALBUMS

5. ORGANIZE CLOSETS AND CABINETS

6. SHRED DOCUMENTS

7. RE-CAULK BATHROOM FIXTURES, AND NEW FAUCETS

8. HAVE THE FENCE RE-STAINED

9. HAVE THE GATE DOORS RE-HUNG

10. PAINT MY BEDROOM

THESE THINGS REALLY NEED TO BE KICKED INTO GEAR. WELL, I THINK THIS WILL BE ALL FOR TONIGHT'S ENTRY. I'M FEELING REALLY RANDOM. HOW ABOUT A CORNY VIDEO FOR ALL TO ENJOY?!!

�|�