I HAVE BEEN ADDING PHOTOS TO MYSPACE.COM LIKE CRAZY. IT HAS BEEN FUN DOING IT TOO! I HAVE GROWN TO LIKE IT.
ANYHOO, AS I MENTIONED BEFORE, I HAVE TO FINISH RANTING AND RAVING ABOUT HOW PISSED I GET WHEN I LEAVE MY DAUGHTER. I AM SO ANGRY WITH MATTHEW, I HATE HIM. I KNOW IT'S WRONG TO SAY THAT YOU HATE YOUR CHILD'S FATHER, AND THAT IT COULD INCORPORATE INTO HATING A PART OF YOUR CHILD, BUT FUCKIN' A! THAT ASSHOLE HAS REALLY PISSED ME OFF. MATT TENNANT I WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE YOU!
I CAN'T BELIEVE I STAYED THAT LONG IN THE "RELATIONSHIP" WE HAD. YOUNG AND DUMB IS MY EXCUSE. I THINK WE KNEW ABOUT EVERY POLICE OFFICER IN EUGENE OREGON. WE FOUGHT SO MUCH. EVEN BACK THEN, I WAS BLIND. I LOVED MATT, BUT WASN'T IN LOVE WITH HIM. I KNOW THIS IS PART OF MY LIFE EXPERIENCE NOW. THE THING WE HAD WAS NOT HEALTHY. WE FOUGHT VERBALLY, AND PHYSICALLY. THERE WERE TIMES I TECHNICALLY SHOULD HAVE GONE TO JAIL FOR KNOCKING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM, LIKE THE TIME I CONFRONTED HIM CHEATING ON ME WHILE I WAS 8 MONTHS PREGNANT, AND I COLD-COCKED HIM IN THE FACE AND I BROKE BONES IN MY RIGHT HAND! THERE WERE SO MANY VIOLENT TIMES. ONLY THE ONE TIME I WAS TRULY SCARED HE'D KILL ME WAS WHEN HE WOULDN'T LET ME OUT OF THE CAR AND HE WAS PURPOSELY SWERVING IN FRONT OF AN ONCOMING SEMITRUCK.
I AM SO GLAD I KICKED HIM TO THE CURB, MOVED 500 MILES AWAY FROM HIM, THEN FILED FOR DIVORCE. I WOULDN'T HAVE A LIFE I WERE STILL WITH HIM.
HE WAS ALWAYS A LIAR, SO I DEDICATE "RIDDLE" BY EN VOGUE TO THAT JACKASS!
WE WENT DOWN TO PENDLETON TO DROP OFF HER GIFTS. EVERYTIME I LEAVE HER HOUSE, I HAVE ALL THESE THOUGHTS ON HOW I AM MISSING OUT ON HER LIFE ALL BECAUSE HE WAS A JEALOUS FREAK, LET ALONE DIDN'T GET HIS WAY OF CONTROLLING MY LIFE, THAT HE HAD TO MAKE UP STORIES TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK INNOCENT, MEANWHILE IT BACKFIRED IN HIS FACE! OF COURSE THAT WAS ALL IN MY FIRST ENTRY. I NEVER GET TO RAISE HER, TEACH HER, NURTURE HER, EXPERIENCE HER LIFE. SHE WAS THE BABY I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR. I ONLY GOT TO SPEND 6 PRECIOUS WEEKS WITH HER. IT ALL ENDED WITH A MALICIOUS PHONE CALL MADE BY MATT. AUTHORITIES CAME TO TALK TO HIM, LOOKED AT HIS RECORD AND TOOK MY BABY. WHILE I WASN'T EVEN THERE. ALL IN ALL IN THE LONG RUN, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEE HER ANYTIME PRETTY MUCH, WHILE HE HAS NO PARENTAL RIGHTS!
AS FOR HIM NOWADAYS, HE JUST GETS THE ESKIMOS PREGNANT IN ALASKA! HE HAS 5 KIDS INCLUDING MY DAUGHTER. GOOD GRIEF. SHE WAS HIS SECOND. WHAT DOES HE CARE, HE HAS MORE THAN HE CAN CARE FOR. MEANWHILE, HE GETS TO HAVE ALL THESE KIDS, AND I AM GOING THROUGH SECONDARY INFERTILITY! HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?!
I HATE TURNING MY BACK TO MY OWN DAUGHTER. SOMETIMES SHE GETS EMOTIONAL AND WANTS TO COME HOME WITH ME. WHAT DO I SAY? I WANT HER TO. I WISH I COULD JUST KIDNAP HER IN A GOOD WAY. OF COURSE I'D NEVER DO THAT, THEN I'D NEVER SEE HER AGAIN. I HATE THE FACT THAT I DON'T KNOW HER ROUTINES, HER FAVORITE THINGS, HER CREATIVITY, IMAGINATION, ETC. I HAVE TO WALK AWAY FROM HER EVERYTIME. AND EVERYTIME I GET IN MY CAR AND GO HOME, I THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATE HER DAD. HE MADE THIS HAPPEN. I CAN'T TELL HER EVERYTHING FOR ANOTHER 10 YEARS UNTIL SHE'S 18. I WISH I COULD TELL HER NOW. THAT WOULD BE SO WRONG THOUGH. IT WOULD BE SELFISH OF ME. I THINK THAT WHEN I DO TELL HER, THAT SHE WILL UNDERSTAND, ASK QUESTIONS, AND THEN REFLECT AS TO WHY I DIDN'T RAISE HER.
I HATE THINKING THE FACT OF 50/50 CHANCE SHE WILL BE MY ONLY CHILD. I WANT TO ACT UPON MY OWN MATERNAL INSTINCTS, AND I CAN'T. MY "KIDS" RIGHT NOW ARE MY TWO CATS. HOW SAD IS THAT LET ALONE PATHETIC? WELL, IT'S LATE, AND I BETTER GO TO BED. I'LL BITCH LATER OF COURSE.