WELL, TODAY HAS HAD IT'S MORNING. THE FIRST THING I THINK OF IS MY DAUGHTER. SHE IS ALWAYS IN MY MIND. I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT SHE IS THINKING. SHE HAS HER OWN IDEAS, THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, HAPPINESS, BITTERNESS, AND INTELLIGENCE.

SHE IS SIMPLY AMAZING. OF COURSE AS A LOT OF PARENTS THINK, "WOW!" SHE DOESN'T LIVE WITH ME, NOT BY CHOICE. TOO MUCH TO GO INTO, BUT OF COURSE IT ALWAYS REPLAYS IN MY MIND OF WHY SHE'S NOT HERE. I KNOW HIS NAME, AND IT ALWAYS MAKES ME SO ANGRY WITH HATRED UPON HIM. TODAY I FOUND SOME PHOTOS OF MY FAMILY. THIS PHOTO INCLUDED: MYSELF, MY DAUGHTER, MY MOM, AND MY GRAMMA. 4 LIVING GENERATIONS. I DON'T KNOW WHY I THINK SOME OF THE THINGS I DO, BUT A LOT COMES SO RANDOMLY. TODAY I THOUGHT OF, DOES SHE EVER THINK OF ME? I KNOW FOR SURE IN MY HEART PROBABLY NOT AS MUCH AS I THINK OF HER. SHE IS BEING RAISED BY MY EX-HUSBAND'S PARENTS. HAS BEEN SINCE SHE WAS 3 MOS OLD.

I FEEL THAT MY MOM IN LAW IS LIVING HER "CHILDHOOD" THROUGH MY DAUGHTER. SHE HAD 3 BOYS NO GIRLS. SO OF COURSE SHE IS BEING SPOILED. MY DAUGHTER HAS PIANO LESSONS, BALLET, CHOIR, SUNDAY SCHOOL, LIBRARY, CHILDREN'S MUSEUM, HORSEBACK RIDING LESSONS, KINDERGARTEN, SWIMMING, AFTER SCHOOL PROGRAMS, OTHER RECITALS.

MY DAUGHTER IS 6 YRS OLD. I FEEL SHE IS BEING RUN DOWN. SHE SOUNDS TIRED. I TALKED TO HER ON THE PHONE AND I ASKED HER HOW SHE WAS DOING, AND ALL SHE COULD SAY IS I'M NOT AT HOME VERY MUCH, I'M ALWAYS BUSY! I THINK IT'S AWESOME TO HAVE HOBBIES, OR ACTIVITIES, BUT I MEAN COME ON! WHAT WILL SHE HAVE LEFT TO DO WHEN SHE IS 10? SHE GETS WHATEVER SHE WANTS, ACTS NEARLY THE WAY SHE WANTS. I EVEN ASKED MY MOM IN LAW IF SHE IS HYPERACTIVE SOMETIMES, SIMPLY 'CUZ THE EX HUBBY WAS DIAGNOSED WITH IT TOO. SHE IS ACTUALLY A WELL BEHAVED KID. I AM CERTAINLY PROUD OF HER. I AM GLAD SHE GETS TO EXPERIENCE THE THINGS I NEVER HAD THE CHANCE. SHE CAN TELL YOU SCIENTIFIC INGREDIENTS SHE IS ALLERGIC TO, SHE IS VEGETARIAN, SHE HAS BEEN PRETTY MUCH PROGRAMMED.

SHE IS WELL TAKEN CARE OF, BUT I MISS HOLDING HER. SHE HASN'T BEEN IN MY HOUSEHOLD SINCE SHE WAS 6 WKS OLD. IT IS ABSOLUTELY MATT'S FAULT. I HATE HIM SO MUCH FOR WHAT HE DID TO BREAK UP MY FAMILY. I CAN AND WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM. FOR THAT, I NEVER GOT TO SEE HER GROW UP, TEACH HER TO WALK AND TALK, HER TEETHING, ALL THE IRREPLACEABLE MOMENTS IN A CHILD'S LIFE, GONE FOREVER.

I HAVE NO REWIND BUTTON. SHE IS AN INDIVIDUAL. AFTER BEING RAISED BY HER GRAMMA AND GRAMPA, SHE ONLY KNOWS THEM AS MOM AND DAD! SHE NOW KNOWS ME AS MOMMY, BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME, IF SHE WERE TO FALL AND GET A SCRAPE I AM SO CERTAIN SHE CRIES FOR MOMMY, BUT IN HER MIND, IT WILL BE OF MY MOM IN LAW. I GUESS IT'S ONLY NATURAL. I KNOW I WENT TO LIVE W/MY GRAMMA DURING HIGH SCHOOL AND I CALLED HER MOM, AND SOMETIMES EVEN TO THIS DAY, SHE'LL SLIP UP AND CALL ME BY MY MOM'S NAME. I JUST HAVE A NAGGING WORRY IN MY HEAD THAT WON'T LET IT GO. I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE OCTOBER, SINCE I MOVED HERE TO CALI. JUST SO MUCH FURTHER AWAY. IF THE NEW POSITION REQUIRES US TO MOVE BACK TO WASHINGTON, WE'LL BE THAT MUCH CLOSER TO OREGON TO SEE HER.

FOR THE LAST 2 YEARS I WAS DRIVING EVERY MONTH TO GO SEE HER. THE MORE AND MORE SHE GOT TO SEE AND KNOW ME MORE, SHE DIDN'T WANT ME TO LEAVE. EVERY TIME, I MAINTAINED MY COMPOSURE UNTIL MY CAR WAS OUT OF SIGHT, THEN CRY FOR TEN MINUTES ON THE FREEWAY HOME. THE LAST TIME I SAW HER, SHE CLUTCHED ONTO ME SO TIGHT, IT NEARLY HURT ME. SHE CRIED AND WAS SO SAD. I COULDN'T HOLD BACK MY TEARS EITHER. I JUST STOOD THERE HOLDING HER CLOSER THAN AIR. I WHISPERED I LOVE YOU'S INTO HER DARLING EAR, HOW PROUD OF HER I WAS, AND TO DO HER BEST IN SCHOOL, COLOR ME PICTURES, THINK OF THE FUN WE HAVE, AND THAT ONE DAY WHEN SHE'S READY, SHE CAN COME HOME TO ME. "MOMMY, I WANT TO GO HOME WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!" I NEARLY COLLAPSED.

I WISHED WITH ALL MY MIGHT I COULD MAKE IT TRUE. WHY CAN'T I HAVE MAGICAL POWERS? FUCK THAT BITCH TINKERBELL! 5 MONTHS BEFORE, WAS THE ONE OF MY HAPPIEST MOMENTS WITH HER. MY MOM IN LAW BROUGHT HER TO MY CITY AND THEY STAYED THE NIGHT IN MY BEAUTIFUL APARTMENT HOME. THAT NIGHT, I LAID HER IN MY BED, WE KISSED GRAMMA GOODNIGHT, AND WE SANG SONGS, AND TALKED UNTIL SHE FELL ASLEEP. WATCHING A CHILD SLEEP IS SO PEACEFUL. LIKE ANGELS THEY ARE. THAT WAS THE FIRST NIGHT SINCE SHE WAS 6 WKS OLD WE GOT TO BE TOGETHER PEACEFULLY. IT WAS THE BEST SLEEP I'VE EVER HAD. IN THE MORNING, I DID HEAR MY MOM IN LAW UP AND AROUND, NO BIG DEAL, THEN I COULD HEAR HER BREATHE ABOVE MY BED. I KNEW SHE WAS JUST STARING AT US. MY RIGHT ARM DRAPED AROUND MY DAUGHTER HOLDING HER.

I KEPT MY EYES CLOSED, WONDERING WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH MOM'S HEAD. I HONESTLY THINK AND FEEL IN A WAY SHE WAS EITHER JEALOUS OF OUR PERFECT MOMENT, OR THAT WE HAD RUNAWAY INTO THE NIGHT AND JUST HAD TO CHECK TO SEE IF WE WERE STILL THERE, OR MAYBE BY CHANCE THAT SHE WAS THINKING THAT MY DAUGHTER WOULD LIKE THIS BETTER WITH HER REAL MOM, AND WOULD ACT OUT TO STAY WITH ME! I GUESS I'LL NEVER KNOW UNTIL MOM ACTUALLY WANTS TO TELL ME. SHE IS SO OVER-PROTECTIVE OF HER.

FOR YEARS, I THINK THAT IF I WERE LEFT ALONE WITH MY OWN KID, THAT I WOULD TAKE HER AND RUN. IT HAD ALWAYS CROSSED MY MIND. BUT I WOULD NEVER WANT TO BREAK THE TRUST. I WILL LET MY DAUGHTER DECIDE WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR HER. THEN AGAIN I THINK OF THE THINGS MY MOM IN LAW SAYS. LIKE: WE WANT TO BUY HER A HORSE, WE'RE GONNA BUY A NEW HOUSE TO HAVE ACRES FOR HER TO RIDE, ETC. IT ALL SOUNDS NICE, BUT I HARDLY THINK THAT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA. MY DAUGHTER HAS THINGS HANDED TO HER ON A PLATE. IF SHE WERE TO HAVE THAT, SHE WOULD HATE IT IF SHE HAD TO CLEAN HORSE POO EVERYDAY ETC. SHE DOESN'T HANDLE RESPONSIBILITY WELL ENOUGH YET. I GAVE HER A CACTUS, IT'S DEAD. SHE HAS A CAT, SHE DOEN'T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF IT.

I FEEL MY MOM IN LAW IS COMPETING WITH ME FOR MY OWN DAUGHTER.I CAN'T SHAKE THAT FEELING. HAS TO BE ONE UP ON EVERYTHING. WHEN IT COMES TO GIFTS, EVEN MY OWN FAMILY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO GIVE HER. SHE HAS IT ALL, OR SHE HAS TWO OF THINGS. SHE DOESN'T SHOW APPRECIATION, BECAUSE SHE EXPECTS THINGS AND GIFTS AND SUCH. I DON'T WANT HER TO BE TOO SPOILED. I DON'T KNOW, I WANT MY DAUGHTER AND I TO BE CLOSE, BUT NOT TOO FAR APART.

IF SHE IS OLDER AND WANTS TO COME LIVE WITH ME PERMANENTLY, HOW WILL MOM IN LAW REACT? WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CLOSE EVEN WHILE I WAS DATING MATT. I WAS MARRIED LEGALLY TO HER SON FOR 5 YRS. EVEN AFTER WHAT HE DID TO ME AND OUR DAUGHTER SO STUPIDLY. I DIN'T STAY WITH HIM AFTER THE CUSTODY HEARING, I PACKED UP AND MOVED HOME. I JUST MISS MY DAUGHTER SO MUCH AND I JUST DON'T GET TO SHARE HER LIFE MOMENTS. I ONLY GET TO HEAR THEM SECOND HAND.

AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH, I HATE MATT FOR WHAT HE DID. JUST TO SPITE ME, LITTLE DID HE EVEN THINK OR REALIZE, THAT IT COST HIM HIS DAUGHTER TOO, HE HAD HIS RIGHTS TERMINATED BY THE STATE! MINE, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEE HER, PRETTY MUCH WHENEVER I WANT TO IF SHE IS EVER HOME! I JUST WONDERED TODAY, IF I AM ON HER MIND, EVEN AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT. GOODNIGHT.

�|�