YES, I LOVE MY HUSBAND. DO I UNDERSTAND WHERE HE'S COMING FROM ON THIS CONVERSATION WE HAD?

NO.

WHILE I WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING MY SHOW, HE COMES INTO THE ROOM AND SAT DOWN. HE ASKED ME TO PAUSE THE TIVO, AND SAID HE WANTED TO ASK ME SOMETHING. THEN HE ASKED ME TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND, AND NOT TO SAY NO TO IT RIGHT AWAY. OHHHH GREAT.

HE WENT INTO THIS CONVO ABOUT HOW HE CAME TO REALIZE WHEN HE WAS AT THE TAVERN FOR HIS FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE, ON TV DURING A BREAK IN THE GAME, A COMMERCIAL CAME ON. THE COMMERCIAL WAS ABOUT BECOMING A FOSTER PARENT.

HE WENT ON TO SAY HOW BRAVE, AND ADMIRAL AND ALL THESE OTHER NICE SOUNDING ADJECTIVES ABOUT BEING A FOSTER PARENT TO SOME TROUBLED YOUTHS WOULD BE. HMMMM. I CAN'T BELIEVE WE ARE HAVING THIS DISCUSSION. WHY AM I EVEN GONNA LET HIM TALK ABOUT THIS? HE WENT ON AND ON ABOUT HOW HE THINKS WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN A YOUNG PERSON'S LIFE.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!

WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN DOING TAKING MEDICATION TO HELP ME LOSE WEIGHT, AND ALSO THE SAME TIME TO IMPROVE MY CHANCES OF GETTING PREGNANT? WHY AM I TRYING TO BE SO HEALTH CONSCIENCE ABOUT MY BODY? WHY AM I YEARNING TO HAVE A BIOLOGICAL CHILD? I'VE TOLD THIS TO HIM A LONG TIME AGO, AND ALSO RECENTLY. HE'S THE ONE THAT SAID I'D HAVE HIS SUPPORT FOR TRYING THE MEDICATION!

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY IN MY MIND AS HE'S TALKING. I FINALLY COULDN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF HIS SPEAKING. I SHUT HIM UP SO FAST. I TOLD HIM EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT. WHY ARE WE GONNA TRY TO BRING SOME KID WITH PROBLEMS INTO OUR HOME. I TOLD HIM HE WAS BEING INSENSITIVE TO MY FEELINGS. YEAH, SPEAKING OF HOME, I WANNA SELL THE HOUSE. THEN PAY OUR BILLS HE HAS SO KINDLY RUN UP AND FORGOT TO TELL ME ABOUT THAT HE WASN'T GONNA PAY. HMMM. PLUS, WHY GET ATTATCHED TO A KID THAT WE HAVE TO INVEST OUR TIME, MONEY, SPACE, AND EMOTIONS INTO WHO WILL MORE THAN LIKELY GO BACK TO THEIR PARENT'S CARE? EVEN IF WE'RE NOT PERFECT WITH OUR FINANCIAL POSITION, WHY CAN'T WE HAVE OUR "OWN" FAMILY? ONE THAT WE CAN PERMANENTLY KEEP? I DON'T WANT SOMEONE ELSE'S KID. I WANT MY OWN. YES, I HAVE A BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER, BUT SEEING AS SHE LIVES WITH HER GRANDPARENTS BEYOND MY CONTROL, I'VE KINDA ACCEPTED IT. THAT IS UNTIL IF SHE EVER WANTS TO COME TO OUR HOME.

IN MY OWN FEELING, I FEEL AS THOUGH ONCE I'VE HAD ONE OF MY OWN, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING ELSE. (BRAND OR GENERIC?) HAHA. IS THAT FUNNY, OR AM I SICK? THAT'S HOW I FEEL. HE HAS NO KIDS. I DO WANT US TO HAVE OUR OWN. I WANT HIM TO BE A FATHER. I WANT TO BE A MOTHER. I WANT TO EXPERIENCE WHAT I'VE MISSED. I KNOW IT WILL NEVER, EVER, COMPARE TO MY FIRST BORN, BUT WILL HAVE TO DO. I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE A MATERNAL INSTINCT THAT I CAN'T ACT UPON. IT REALLY, TRULY HURTS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK OF THIS. I WISH I HAD AN ANSWER. I KNOW I'M SO IMPATIENT.

I WISH IT WERE A BIT EASIER TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I WISH IT WERE EASIER TO GET PREGNANT.

I WISH I WEREN'T STRESSED ABOUT OUR FINANCES.

I WISH I COULD OPEN A BILL AND JUST PAY IT OFF.

I WISH I COULD REALLY THOROUGHLY ENJOY A PREGNANCY FOR ONCE.

I WISH I COULD NOT ENVY MY FRIENDS FOR BEING HAPPY BEING PREGNANT.

I WISH I KNEW THE ANSWERS.

I WISH MANY THINGS, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO REALLY HELP MYSELF. I HAVE AN IDEA, BUT IS IT THE RIGHT ONE. IS IT THE RIGHT PRIORITY? I KNOW LIFE ISN'T EASY. I'M JUST ASKING FOR A GLIMMER OF HOPE.

I WISH.

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