MY MOM. WHERE DO I BEGIN? I CERTAINLY FEEL THAT SHE IS THE CHILD AND I AM THE ADULT. ALL MY LIFE. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A YOUNG KID, THINGS WERE PRETTY COOL, CALM, AND COLLECT WITH MY MOM. WHEN I STARTED GROWING UP, IT WAS LIKE HELL. SHE TOTALLY CHANGED. I THINK WHEN SHE REALIZED I WAS MORE MATURE AND IN MY TEENS, SHE WANTED TO MAKE UP FOR HER LOST TIME OF PARTYING AND HAVING FUN. I CAN'T BE SURE THOUGH. MOM HAS ALWAYS SMOKED WEED, SMOKE CIGS, DRINK BOOZE. THE CROWD SHE FELL INTO ARE NOT HER FRIENDS.
MOM STARTED PARTYING, NOT COMING HOME, SHE HAD HER OWN SUCCESSFUL DAYCARE, NO BILLS, THEN WHILE I'M GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL, HER CLIENTS WOULD START COMING AND DROPPING OFF KIDS. SO I STARTED WATCHING THEM. NOTHING NEW, BEEN RAISED AROUND OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS, I WAS AN ONLY CHILD. THEN I STARTED MISSING SCHOOL. I DIDN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL. SO I TRIED TO TALK TO MOM, AND SHE JUST BLEW UP. WE FOUGHT ALL THE TIME. I ENDED UP MISSING WEEKS OF SCHOOL. I HAD TO GO INTO ALTERNATIVE SCHOOL. I HATED IT. I GOT HOME, AND FOUND LINES OF COCAINE IN HER ROOM. THAT PISSED ME OFF.
I CALLED MY GRAMMA AND TOLD HER THE STORY. THE NEXT DAY I WAS PACKING MY THINGS AND OFF TO GRAMMA'S HOUSE I WENT.I FINISHED ANOTHER TERM OF ALTERNATIVE SCHOOL WHEN I GOT TO THE NEW CITY. I CAUGHT UP AND WAS ABLE TO ENTER MY JUNIOR YEAR IN A NEW HIGH SCHOOL THE NEXT FALL. I COMPLETED JR YEAR WITH HONOR ROLL, AND VARSITY SPORTS. MY SENIOR YEAR WAS OK, STILL HONORS, AND THEN I MET MY FUTURE HUSBAND WHO LIVED IN OREGON. HE WAS 21 WHILE I WAS 18. BUT, MY MOM WAS STILL PARTYING AND ETC. GRAMMA BOUGHT THE HOUSE WE LIVED IN, SO MOM ONLY HAD TO PAY HER LIKE $225 FOR RENT. NOT BAD FOR A LOVELY 3 BDRM HOUSE WITH ALL THE GOODIES. MOM HADN'T MADE A PAYMENT IN OVER A YEAR. AFTER THAT YEAR I HAD GOTTEN MARRIED AND HAD OUR CHILD. I LEFT THE STATE AND MOVED TO OREGON.
I WAS OUT OF CONTACT WITH MY FAMILY FOR ABOUT A YEAR. TURNS OUT THAT MY MOM HIT A PARKED CAR WHILE INTOXICATED, WENT TO JAIL A COUPLE TIMES, AND WAS ALSO CAUGHT WITH POSESSION WITH INTENT TO DISTRIBUTE. MOM WAS SENTENCED TO I THINK 2 YEARS IN PRISON. SHE'S BEEN OUT NOW I THINK ABOUT 5-6 YRS. SHE IS CERTAINLY NOT THE SAME. HER BRAIN IS FUCKING FRIED! DRUGS ARE BAD MMMMKAY! SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO SEE HER ONLY GRANDKID, SHE BASICALLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING. NOT EVEN HERSELF.
MOM HAS BEEN SICK WITH WHO KNOWS WHAT. SHE'S HAD TUMORS, CANCEROUS CELLS. SHE'LL BE SO SICK AND IN PAIN, SHE WON'T GO TO A DR OFFICE. SHE'LL STAY IN BED AND ROT. I DON'T EXPECT HER TO LIVE VERY LONG ANYWAYS. I JUST WISH SHE WOULD BE THE RESPONSIBLE, SENSIBLE PERSON I ONCE KNEW HER AS. I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HER, EVEN IF SHE WANTED HELP. I FEEL SHE IS BEING UTTERLY SELFISH. WE SHARE THE SAME BIRTHDAY, 23 YRS APART. THE LAST TIME I FLEW HOME, I CALLED HER ASKED HER IF I COULD SPEND TIME WITH HER, TAKE HER OUT TO LUNCH, SHOPPING, BEAUTY SPA, ANYTHING TO CHEER HER UP AND SPEND TIME WITH HER, AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO SEE ME.
MY GRAMMA HAD EVICTED HER OUT OF THE HOUSE YEARS AGO, AND THEN RENOVATED IT AND MOVED IN. GRAMMA GIVES AND BUYS HER FOOD, TRIES TO MAKE SURE SHE IS OK, ETC. WHAT MOTHER WOULDN'T? FINALLY GRAMMA WENT TO MOM'S APT AND MADE HER GET OUT OF BED, AND COME TO LUNCH W/US. BUT YET GRAMMA SCREAMED AT ME FOR NOT BEING FORCEFUL WITH MY MOM. I TOLD HER SHE HAS SOMEWHAT OF A BRAIN LEFT AND IS ABLE TO CHOOSE IF SHE WANTED TO SEE ME OR NOT. SHE WAS LIVID! I TOLD HER I DIDN'T FLY BACK HOME 1000 MILES TO FIGHT AND ARGUE, THAT I CAME BACK TO VISIT THE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO SEE AND SPEND TIME WITH ME. WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN CHOICES. AS IF!WHY DO I NEARLY FEEL GUILTY THOUGH? IT'S NOT FAIR! I TRIED TO MAKE THE ATTEMPT WITH MOM. SAME THING WITH MY DAD. THEY CHOOSE NOT TO BE APART OF MY LIFE. MOM COULD NEVER PREACH TO ME ABOUT HOW DRUGS AND ALCOHOL ARE BAD, THEY WERE DOING IT! I'VE STILL IN 26YR HAVE NEVER BEEN HIGH ON ANY DRUG, BEEN DRUNK ONCE IN MY LIFE! I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE MY MOM. I'VE MADE MORE MONEY IN MY 10 YEARS OF BEING ABLE TO WORK SINCE I WAS 16, THAN MY MOM HAS ALL OF HER LIFE. I'M NOT COLLEGE EDUCATED EITHER. I AM THANKFUL THAT I AM NOT LIKE MY MOM. I DO WANT TO EXPERIMAENT WITH LIFE, JUST NOT THAT DANGEROUSLY. KIDS ARE FALLING OVER DEAD FROM HUFFING FUMES, DYING OFF THEIR FIRST TRY OF ECSTACY, ETC.
I HAD A DREAM ONCE THAT MY MOM WAS DEAD. WHEN I WOKE UP, I HONESTLY COULDN'T REMEMBER IF SHE HAD DIED FOR REAL OR NOT. I HAD TO THINK OF A WAY TO ASK SOMEONE WITHOUT SOUNDING CRAZY! THAT IS HOW REAL TO ME IT WAS. I CALLED GRAMMA AND KINDA ROUND ABOUT ASKED "HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF MOM LATELY?" WHEN SHE ANSWERED THAT SHE PICKED UP MY MOM TO TAKE HER TO WORK, I WAS RELIEVED. I THOUGHT IF I ASKED IF SHE HAD THOUGHT ABOUT MY MOM, THAT SHE MIGHT SAY SOMETHING LIKE SHE HAD BEEN TO THE CEMETERY, OR THAT SHE WAS LIVING. I COULDN'T FOR SOME REASON REMEMBER! NOW, I'M FACING TO WHEN SHE WILL PASS. I KEEP THINKING SHE HAS ALWAYS BATTLED DEPRESSION. SHE HAS TOLD ME IF SHE DOESN'T FEEL WELL ENOUGH TO GO TO WORK, SHE COULD JUST STAY IN BED AND DIE. OVER AND OVER.
TO ME, THAT DAY MAY BE HERE SOON ENOUGH. SHE WON'T BE WITH ME, OR EVEN WRITE TO ME. I KNOW IN HER HEART SHE DOES LOVE ME, SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT OR SHOW IT ANYMORE LIKE SHE USED TO. WHEN SHE DIES, I KEEP THINKING SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING BUT AN AWFUL LIFE. BUT I NOW NEED TO THINK IT WAS BY HER CHOICES. I KEEP BLAMING MYSELF. I NEED TO STOP THAT! I DIDN'T MAKE HER DO ANYTHING. WHEN SHE DIES, I WILL DEFINITELY FEEL LIKE AN ORPHAN. SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND. I DON'T WANT HER TO LIVE THE REST OF HER DAYS BEING OR FEELING MISERABLE. SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT A GOOD LIFE IS. SHE LOOKS OLDER THAN MY GRAMMA WHO IS 73!
GRAMMA FEELS ABOUT THE SAME WAY. SHE HAS TAKEN MEASURES TO SECURE THINGS FOR MY MOM. WE FEEL THAT IF SHE DOES DIE SOON, WE NEED TO BE PREPARED. GRAMMA BOUGHT A BURIAL PLOT FOR MY MOM. SHE WILL BE LAID NEXT TO GRAMMA. THE OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS ARE ALSO THERE. MY MOM WILL HAVE NO MONEY TO LEAVE ME, EXCEPT HER COLLECTION OF JUNK. GRAMMA FEELS SOMEWHAT OBLIGATED TO LEAVE ME MORE WHEN IT IS HER TIME TO GO. SHE KNOWS MOM CAN'T LEAVE ANYTHING TO ME. TO ME, THAT IS SAD. I FEEL LIKE I ALMOST HAVE TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR WHEN MOM DIES. I ONLY WANTED TO BE CLOSER TO HER ALL MY LIFE. I LOVE HER, BUT HATE THE CHOICES SHE MADE TO DISTANCE US APART.